Updated: 19th April 2018

A Fuckboy Ranking Of The ‘Game Of Thrones’ Characters

If you really think about it, “Winter is coming” is just HBOs fancy way of saying “Get ready for cuffing season.” At first glance, Slutty Dungeons and Dragons just seems like some nerd fantasy come to life, but this is 2017 and Dave Francos character in taught us that hot people can like nerd shit too. Anyway, those of you who are in the Venn diagram of clubbing and Chess club have probably considered who youd date should you find yourself between Westeros and Winterfell. Like any good war hero entering battle, you must consider the aftermath first. So heres which characters would make the worst ex, because if Danaerys has taught us anything its that everyone will get burned at the end of this.

10. Tyrion Lannister

Tyrion is the bro you dated for much longer than you actually wanted to just because you were bored or drunk and then like, didnt actually hate him. Despite his reputation of getting around, hes actually kind of sweet when its just the two of you, and he buys you shit all the time which is nice. You never saw a future with him and probably dated around when you two were hooking up, so when things eventually fizzled out, you werent that devastated. Hell occasionally send the late night yo where r u text but for the most part hes harmless. When you do run into him at parties you enjoy the attention you know hell give you and then move on with no feelings hurt. Tyrions the best ex to have because you barely even count him as an ex, though technically you were hooking up and going on dates for a period of time long enough to theoretically get pregnant, so it kind of still counts. You also never really got that invested in him, so you feel no pain when you see him with another girl, which is constantly. Oh yeah, and he always paid for Plan B, what a gentleman. The only downside to dating Tyrion is you probably should get tested ASAP every time you hook up.

9. Daenerys Targaryen

Daenerys will fuck up her exes, but only if theyre male. If you dated Daenerys you took a lot of Instagram photos because you two were a power betch couple that even your homophobic uncle would have been proud of. However, she’s too ambitious to actually care about a future together, and try as you might to picture a domestic life together, neither of you wanted to be the housewife.” So you parted ways. While she will burn down any man that stands in her way, she has a special place in her heart for women, so having Dany as your ex isnt as bad as youd think. You might just have to endure the fact that she keeps showing up everywhere, because she is eventually going to take over the world. Plus, if you didnt publicize your relationship, youre both probably on the DL about the breakup, which makes it even more annoying when your friends are fawning over her as she walks by covered in flames and dragons.

8. Daario Naharis

Daario is the James Marsden of the universe. He was a warrior and hot and like, perfectly capable of pleasing you for the rest of your life, but you were just like nah. Because hes always there, you dont want him. Hed be slightly annoying to have as an ex because every once in a while hell remind you of a life you could have if you just gave up on your dreams and stopped caring about taking over the world. Ultimately, hell be more annoying to have around because you have no reason to cut him off, and rejecting him always makes you feel like a bad person.

7. Jamie Lannister

Jamie is the whirlwind romance you had and then suddenly fell out of. Maybe its his air of trust fund privilege or just general inability to pull off anything right, but you realized his fawning over you wasnt enough to actually keep you satisfied. Hell end up marrying a less hot version of you and youll be okay with it because everybody agrees shes less hot than you.

6. Benjen Stark

Benjen is the older guy you dated in your twenties that you thought you successfully ghosted, but you were wrong. It wasnt that he wasnt great to you or kind and loving, its just that he reminds you of a time in your life that is lightyears from where you are nowa time when you got blackout in bars and made out with 38-year-olds and threw up in cabs and honestly, youre just better than that now. If only he were just a deleted number in your phone, but instead, he shows up years later back from the dead to haunt you. Sorry, but cant you see I have a masters degree now? Leave me alone, old man. Go back to your first family, or settle down with a cougar, Im young and I dont need to be reminded of my mistakes, thank you.

5. Jaqen Hghar

Jaqen Hghar is the artsy bro you dated when you were finding yourself in Williamsburg or Silverlake. It was probably shortly after studying abroad and like Belle, you wanted more than this provincial life. He was a stoner but also highly intelligent and you were drawn to him because he just seemed so much more well traveled and interesting than any of the frat boys you knew freshman and sophomore year. Like, he knew all about ancient Hindu drugs and ancient Chinese drugs and now that you think about it, mostly everything was drug related and ancient. He did make some cool-ass art and his apartment always looked like a science experiment. He claimed he has many faces but eventually you realized he was just talking about his personality disorders. Also, he had an exotic name even though he was clearly white, which now you realize is probably because he was appropriating some Native American culture he studied once in a Reddit post. The only problem with having him as an ex is that he never stops watching you. Hes the bro that will keep liking your Instas like a phantom, not texting you or calling you ever to say anything, but constantly surveying your social media to let you know hes got his eye on you. Hes got some crazy conspiracy theories about the government watching you, and youre pretty sure he actually has access to equipment to listen in on your conversations all the time. As creepy as this sounds, he genuinely wants you to like, do well, and hell probably never hurt you. He will however, be the first to know when youre engaged to someone else because like we said, hes watching TF out of you.

4. Littlefinger aka Petyr Baelish

This is the guy everyone underestimates because he looks beta AF while in reality being a manipulative fuckboy that you can never trust. For some reason you fell for it, probably because hes a sociopath and tricking people is what he does best. When you eventually end things with him, hell probably make you feel like it was his idea to end things, leaving you wondering if you should try to make it work just to get him to fall in love with you again. You have no interest in actually dating this guy ever again, yet he wont leave you alone. He manages to organically stay in your life by befriending your outer circle and working his way into your inner circle. Before you know it, hes the one telling you about your friends baby showers and asking you to be a plus one to your freshman year roommates wedding, which you werent invited to. This guy is trouble because he somehow manipulated you into sending some particularly raunchy nudes and you dont want to piss him off, so you continue being nice to him even though he disgusts you.

3. Tommen Lannister

This is the guy you dated that was much younger than you because you met at some dope Black Amex party or something, but then you got to know him and realized hes immature AF. He throws a hissy fit whenever he doesnt get his way, and his mother is always trying to be your best friend but you know its only because she wants to keep her son close. Hes a rich kid born into privilege who says the most ignorant things. Every time you see him, its a reminder of your mistakes and you shudder. Unfortunately he grows up to become Jared Kushner and his mistakes will threaten your reputation the free world.

2. Samwell Tarly

This is the chubby nice bro you dated after a horrible breakup because you told yourself youd try settling just to see if you could. And guess what? You couldnt. He was all about you and never complained when you would disappear for days because you needed space but part of you just wished he would fight back and be less of a pushover. He always wants to like, raise a baby with you and meet your parents and when you eventually dump him because you get your self-esteem back, you tell him youre willing to stay friends in a moment of weakness. He takes this to mean youll eventually come around and now hes buying you birthday gifts that are way too expensive to be from just a friend. Hes particularly awful as an ex because you dont even actually like him as a friend. He probably only slept with three women before you and is constantly asking you for advice you dont want to give.

1. Cersei Lannister

She is one frigid ice queen that will take revenge to a level that even Taylor Swift couldnt dream of even in her songwriting brainstorm sessions. To be fair, if you dated Cersei you probably are power hungry and into crazy bitches yourself. You play with fire and you get your city bombed, according to Cersei. You did also publicly shame her and put her nudes up on a revenge porn site, so honestly thats on you.  She literally gives no fucks, though, because shes been through so much already, and nothing you do can possibly out-crazy her. She is into #winning in a way that youve never seen, and you are not only going to lose with her, everyone around you is going down too. Unfortunately, theres no way out of this one, because even if you stay in the relationship with her, shes going to implicate you in some seriously crazy shit. So basically fuck with Cersei and either way, youre fucked. Have fun with that!

 

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