Updated: 25th April 2018

7 WTF Game Of Thrones Theories (That’ll Probably Come True)

Acclaimed nudity factory Game Of Thrones is about to embark upon its penultimate season. And while many of you can simply watch the show and go about your lives, the less fortunate among us must endure a fate much worse: an insatiable hunger for totally jackass fan theories.

We’ve talked about some such theories before. But as the show gets nuttier and warg-ier with each passing season, a lot of these theories look saner and saner, to the point that we’ll soon be throwing up our hands and surmising that Joffrey is a Bizarro universe Olsen twin (and Game Of Thrones was secretly Full House all along).

7

Game Of Thrones Is Really A Science Fiction Story

In what would make for a crazy twist (and explain any stray wristwatches extras forgot to take off) some have theorized that the show will reveal that it’s not set in a magical fantasyland, but in a post-apocalyptic future. This sounds like a dumb twist-for-twist’s-sake — like revealing that Jon Snow is Sam’s imaginary friend, or ending with the characters being thrown out of a city park for their spectacularly violent LARP. But there are actually some pretty convincing clues supporting this theory built into the DNA of the show.

Consider the Long Night. As the lore goes, apparently thousands of years before the events of the show there was a winter that lasted a whole generation. As pointed out by vlogger Preston Jacobs, that sounds like it could conceivably be a nuclear winter. Which would make Game Of Thrones basically Planet Of The Apes but instead of devolving back into apes, humanity just became way douchier and hornier.

The also has some eerie parallels to George R.R. Martin’s earlier science fiction work. For instance, his novella In The House Of The Worm is about a futuristic society that’s been relegated to a more rudimentary state. And in some of his other stories, humans have created gene manipulation that allow them to “create almost anything — including dragons, people who can change their skin, and people who can animate dead bodies“.

HBO

HBO

HBO
Pictured: by some coincidence, all three of those things.

Also, the symbol of one of these factions of genetic engineers was the Theta …

… Which you might recognize from popping up everywhere in Game Of Thrones. Here it is cobbled together with dead bodies in the first ever episode:

And made of fire in the last episode of season one:

And in Sansa’s necklace:

Now all of this could be just a reference to another Martin story the showrunners happen to like, but Martin himself mentioned in an interview that he thought about making the magical components of the story “science fiction elements in disguise.” At the very least there’s a good chance something fishy is going on with the in-universe history of the show, as evidenced by one passage in the book:

Meaning we might see a finale where Bran stumbles upon the Statue of Liberty, or where George W. Bush travels into the future and is immediately killed and beheaded. And speaking of time travel …

6

Bran’s Time Travel Powers Made The Mad King Go Mad

While he may never play a Chuck Berry song in the Great Hall or awkwardly flirt with his mother while somehow forgetting to warn her about her brutal murder, Bran is almost certainly not done time-traveling. Or messing up the past. We’ve already seen Bran’s “Greenseeing” powers impact the past, like that time he called out to his father’s younger self, who seemed to hear it.

And more importantly, there was his journey to the past which basically broke Hodor’s brain.

One theory posits that Bran’s time-traveling voice is what actually makes the Mad King Aerys Targaryen go mad in the first place. So why do people think this? Well, for starters, Bran sees the Mad King in one of his Koyaanisqatsi-on-speed magical visions, shouting “Burn them all!”

This has led some to think that Bran may later mind-screw with Targaryen the same way he did with Hodor. Remember one of the White Walkers’ weaknesses is fire (yes, surprisingly, the ice zombies from snow-town don’t like fire), so the theory goes that perhaps while battling the Walkers, Bran will accidentally wander back in time and plant that message in the King’s brain. It’s a bit of a stretch, but it would finally explain how someone could possibly go insane in the land of emotional health and well-being that is Westeros.

5

An Ancient Prophecy About a Magic Sword is Actually About Winterfell

Since a fantasy series without a magic sword would be like a wedding DJ without the Electric Slide, naturally there is a mystical metal pointy stick in Game Of Thrones. The sword “Lightbringer” isn’t really talked about much in the TV show, except for a scene where Stannis runs around with a flaming sword like a Medieval Times matinee that’s gone seriously off the rails.

In the A Song Of Ice And Fire books, though, Lightbringer is a big-ass deal. It’s a legendary sword that belonged to the fabled hero Azor Ahai that radiates heat — which you have to imagine will come in handy when you’re fighting an army of corpse-sicles. In the books, Stannis claims to wield the renowned weapon, but that turns out to be bullshit. So where’s the real sword? One Redditor has suggested that it’s not actually a sword at all, it’s a place: Winterfell.

The myth of the sword begins with Azor Ahai trying to forge it. He tries tempering it with water, but that doesn’t work. Then he tries tempering by stabbing it into the heart of a lion — but it breaks again. He rebuilds it once again, and this time tempers it by stabbing it in his wife, at which point “her soul, combining with the steel of the sword” creates Lightbringer. So as long as you’re not a lion or that guy’s wife, it’s a nice story.

So how does that apply to Winterfell? The sword was first unsuccessfully tempered in water. Who do we first see try to conquer Winterfell? Theon Greyjoy from the Iron Islands. House Greyjoy is associated with water and their sigil is a Kraken. Next Winterfell was unsuccessfully taken over by the Boltons in partnership with the Lannisters. What’s the sigil for the Lannisters? The lion.

You see where we’re going with this; the story of the sword is a metaphor for the home of the Starks — meaning that the day won’t be won by a magic sword, but by a key location. And, if the story of Winterfell follows the myth of Lightbringer, whoever uses it will also have to sacrifice something they love in the process. So heads up, wives.

Or things will end with a flaming sword mowing down zombies. That’d be pretty bitchin’ too.

4

The Whole Show is a Book Written by Sam

A lot of stories are framed as if they were written by one of the characters; Lord Of The Rings was penned by Frodo, Buddy from Elf became a children’s book author, and Stand By Me ended with the narrator putting aside his novel to spend more time with his kid rooting around the wild looking for more dead bodies.

While some may have guessed that Game Of Thrones would abruptly end with a snap cut to George R.R. Martin dozing in a pile of money, until last season no one guessed that we might see someone actually writing the events of the show. One theory suggests that we are being told a story within the world of the show, and there are at least a few visual cues supporting that. Like when Sam arrives at the Citadel where all the Maesters hang out, we see a big chandelier.

If it seems familiar, it’s not because they sell the same ones at Pottery Barn, it’s because it bears a striking resemblance to the design of the show’s opening credits.

Similarly, one of the maesters is using some weird reading device that calls to mind the optometrist exam-like lenses in the credits.

The implication of this is that the show we’re watching is housed inside the library of the Maesters. So who’s telling this story? Well who better than Sam, himself, now that he’s at the Citadel — he’s smart, he’s experienced some of these adventures first hand, and he’s basically 30 years and a funny hat away from being George R.R. Martin anyways.

3

That Badass Little Girl Might Be Tormund’s Daughter (Because He Had Sex With A Bear)

Lyanna Mormont was the ten-year-old badass house ruler from the last series who captured the hearts of fans everywhere. Most notably, she helped Jon Snow in his battle against Ramsay Bolton, presumably in exchange for some cotton candy and a One Direction poster.

One fan has pieced together some clues and come to the conclusion that Lyanna is actually the daughter of another character we’ve already seen: Tormund. You know, the Wildling who looks like a cranky server at a trendy bar.

How did this happen? In the books, Tormund brags about how he had sex with a bear during a snowstorm. As you do. Apparently, he thought it was a woman, but was somehow mistaken, if that helps calm you. And while that colorful anecdote could have just been Martin pandering to the bear-sex fetishists of the literary world, it also might be hinting at more. Lyanna’s mother, Maege Mormont, is known as the “She-Bear” and there have been rumors that Mormont women are skinchangers that “turn into bears”.

Which means that — assuming HBO has the balls to produce the bear-fucking stories this show is and always has been about — we’re all set up for a grand Maury Povich-like reveal in a bear-pit in the very near future.

2

According To The Season 7 Promo People Will Go Crazy Analyzing The Season 7 Promo

Imagine if Sherlock Holmes applied his skills primarily to analyzing advertisements for TV shows, and you get a pretty good picture of how GoT fans spend their time on the internet these days. The first trailer for season 7 wasn’t much; it was basically just shots of your favorite characters sitting down.

Rather than just rely on the assumption that the show’s viewers are getting older, and will therefore enjoy footage of people having a good, comfy, sit, the trailer did eventually provide a somewhat intriguing ending, when the camera pulled back through the blue, nebulous eye of a White Walker. But instead of taking this for what it clearly is — foreshadowing that the White Walkers will be involved in the next season — at least one person has torn this image into complete shreds looking for clues.

It’s true, you can see what looks like a reflection of the Wall just to our right of the pupil. Also possibly the reflection of firelight in the eyelid. So is it possible that this short promo tipped the fact that the Walkers are gonna burn their way through the Wall? Maybe? But that’s kind of a reasonable guess based entirely on its own merits. A wall of ice has got to have some kind of fire-based flaws.

Another paltry bit of publicity that caused rampant theorizing was this picture of Jamie and Cersei:

A fan was quick to note that the sword appears to be Joffrey’s old sword, with its distinctive jeweled hilt. The key here is that the sword is named “Widow’s Wail” — which may be foreshadowing that Jamie will, in fact, kill Cersei, her being a widow and all. It’s also odd that he would have the sword seeing as Joffrey was seemingly buried with it. Meaning that we may yet see an episode where Jamie digs up his illegitimate son/nephew’s corpse, robs him, and kills his lover/sister/queen.

Or the prop department just ran out of new swords. We’ll see.

1

Bran’s Going to Warg Into a Motherfuckin’ Dragon

You have to imagine Bran Stark is going to play into the conclusion of the show in some epic fashion. After all, you don’t push a kid out the window, paralyze him, then spend years showing legendary thespians teaching him superpowers only to not have some kind of kick-ass finish.

Unless you’re George R.R. Martin.

But let’s assume the 28 hours of watching Bran get dragged through the woods wasn’t a complete waste of our time. Some fans think that Bran’s piece de resistance will be Warging into the mind of a damn dragon. We’ve seen Bran do this with direwolves, and of course poor Hodor, but how awesome would it be to see him shove his consciousness into a dragon and fire-breathe the shit out of all those who wronged his family? You could fill a solid 80 minutes with revenge-incinerations and the fans would beg for more.

There are a few clues suggesting this might be a possibility. Back in season 4, when Bran first had his magic tree vision, he saw a giant shadow flying over King’s Landing.

Then in season 6, we saw that image extended, and for good measure, an actual dragon included. If all of that weren’t enough, when Bran meets the Three-Eyed Raven, he’s told that while he’ll never walk again, he “will fly.”

That’s not subtle. So barring some kind of jetpack-filled final season, the dragon option is looking more and more likely. Try to look surprised.

You (yes, you) should follow JM on Twitter, or check out his podcast Rewatchability.

For more ridiculous fan theories that actually are pretty plausible, check out 5 Movie Fan Theories That Make More Sense Than The Movie and 6 Fan Theories That Vastly Improve Films (If They Were True).

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