Updated: 22nd April 2018

6 Insane (But Very Persuasive) Game Of Thrones Fan Theories

One could argue that it’s pointless to try to dream up “fan theories” about how Game Of Thrones (or the book series, A Song Of Ice And Fire) will end, considering there’s a good chance George R.R. Martin himself doesn’t know. Or maybe he did know, but will now change things up, considering at least one of those “fan theories” we discussed last time is probably true. But we say that’s part of the fun. Even if the books/show don’t follow the theories, in lots of cases, it’d be better if they did. In the meantime, have fun watching the show and imagining that …


#6. Westeros Is Tolkien’s Middle-Earth In The Distant Future

There’s a surprisingly vast catalog of theories dedicated to the physical world of Game Of Thrones, from its unknown regions to its unnamed planet’s axial tilt and orbit. However, despite all the exciting “math” involved, none of those hold a glass candle to the fountain of gray matter erupting from one Reddit user: that the world of Game Of Thrones

… is actually J.R.R. Tolkien’s Middle-Earth, thousands of years after the Lord Of The Rings trilogy.

Sadly, Frodo didn’t live long enough to enjoy all the boobs.

Crazy as it sounds, the geographic evidence is there. The Misty Mountains line up with the Narrow Sea, from its sharp curve in the north to the perpendicular T at its south. What are the Misty Mountains doing underwater? Well, according to Tolkien’s official gospel of Middle-Earth, The Silmarillion, the Misty Mountains were subsiding at a crazy rate, either due to magic or too many parties of adventurers singing Led Zeppelin songs all over them. The Silmarillion also describes the god-like Iluvatar creating entire seas and continents at will a mere century before the opening battle from The Fellowship Of The Ring, so when you’re talking in terms of millennia, it’s not too much of a stretch to infer that the face of Middle-Earth morphed into Westeros while its inhabitants were busy inventing incest.

As well as the technology to drop about seven letters from everybody’s names and start going by ‘Jon’ or ‘Robb.’

Even the disparate regions of both worlds match up. The Shire is in the North, where the children of the forest (Hobbits?) dwell alongside face-having Weirwood trees (maybe the Ents finally went full tree). The “men of the west” remain in Westeros, Gondor is Dorne, while Rohan is in Essos, its riders having journeyed eastward and intermingled with the warlike Rhun to become the Dothraki. As for Mordor, it’s right about where Valyria was until “the Doom” — a mysterious, allegedly volcanic cataclysm which proponents of this theory insist was Mount Doom erupting one last time, probably launching smelted Gollum bits clear out into space.

Here it is erupting in the opening credits.

As further proof, some fans even spotted Gandalf’s sword, Glamdring, forged into the Iron Throne.

Yep. No other sword has ever looked like that.

Of course, eagle-eyed fans examining fiction’s most murderous musical chair have also spotted swords from Kingdom of Heaven, a historical drama that stars Legolas as a 12th-century crusader. So maybe they’re all time travelers.

#5. Missandei Is A Faceless Man Engaged In A Worldwide Conspiracy

Missandei is Dany’s personal attendant / BFF / pet human. Besides being instantly devoted to a woman she barely knows, there are a few things about her that are a little suspicious.

And not just the “choosing to wear a leather bustier in fucking desert weather” thing.

For starters, she speaks 19 languages on the show, like some kind of fucking protocol droid. In the books, she’s only 10 years old when we first meet her, yet she claims to have memories of her two brothers before they became Unsullied, which doesn’t add up, because Unsullied training takes longer than she’s supposedly been alive. She also has legitimate superpowers, in one case mentioning that she could hear slaves “scratching” on the city walls … from a half-mile away. That’s some Daredevil-level shit.

Our demands that George R.R. Martin give an explanation for this didn’t exactly go as planned.

Fans have the perfect explication for Missandei’s quirks, however: She’s secretly a Faceless Man, one of the order of creepy assassins Arya Stark has been interning for since season five. And Arya’s experience adds credence to this theory. In Braavos, she meets a “little girl” who turns out to be 36 years old, which might explain how Missandei knows so many languages at her young age. In another scene, Missandei stands alongside a corpse (mirroring Arya’s experiences in the House of Black and White) and comments that the dead man is “smiling,” despite the fact his lips are completely burnt off. Even Arya’s transition into a Faceless Man — aka “no one” — parallels how Missandei frequently refers to herself as “this one” — something she struggles with despite her absolute ownage of linguistics.

If Missandei is indeed a Faceless Man, it could have enormous implications. To begin with, the Faceless Men descend from ancient slaves who killed their masters in a super-secret plot. Were they planning a similar insurrection at Slaver’s Bay around the time Daenerys showed up and adopted Missandei? Do the Faceless Men support Dany’s campaign against slavery, or do they view her and her dragons as simply another symbol of oppression? Are there more assassins planted in other Houses, ready to strike? Are you still deciding whether or not you can live with yourself after hearing “Missandei is a ten-year-old”?

Dammit HBO, can’t we go one Sunday without a weird, regrettable erection?

#4. Jorah Mormont Is Going To Save The World (But Lose Everything In The Process)

There’s a prophecy from the books which we have yet to see or hear in full on Game Of Thrones. It’s about a legendary hero named Azor Ahai, a Christlike figure destined to return and save the world at its darkest hour. As the legend goes, Azor Ahai wields Lightbringer, a magical sword forged by tempering the blade in the heart of a captured lion and then, when that didn’t work, plunging it into the heart of his loving wife, causing the steel to be imbued with “her blood and her soul and her strength and her courage.”

The general fan consensus regarding who will turn out to fulfill this prophecy is that there is no general fan consensus, with theories ranging from Jon to Daenerys to one of the Greyjoy uncles who have yet to appear on the show. But hold on a second … you know who “captured a lion” recently? Jorah Mormont, Daenerys’s sworn protector and perpetual Facebook stalker.

“Look, he’s even got a mane and beard for it.”

Perhaps it’s sympathy for Jorah’s pathetically unrequited love for Dany that has fans hoping he’s destined to be the hero of the entire story. Regardless, the theory’s not without merit. For instance, in the books, Daenerys promises Jorah a really awesome sword, which fans suspect will be Brightroar, a legendary Valyrian sword lost somewhere in the nearby Smoking Sea. And dig this: According to the prophecy, Azor Ahai will be reborn amidst salt and smoke.

The bad news is that if this theory is correct, Jorah is going to stab the shit out of both Tyrion and Dany (Azor Ahai perfected his enchanted blade by killing his wife and his captured lion with it). Your mourning period may be cut short, however, as Dany’s death wail will cause the moon to crack open and release an entire army of pissed-off dragons (a predictably Dothraki contribution to the legend) in time to save Westeros from the White Walkers.

Hopefully that’ll fit in the budget, so we don’t just skip directly to everyone talking about how amazing all those off-screen dragons were.

Things don’t end much happier for Jorah. Fans speculate that his story would end with him fulfilling his father’s dying wish by taking the black as the 1,000th Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. Hey, it’s not like he was getting laid anytime soon anyway.

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/